


When The Lights Go Down

by PlayerOneMell



Category: Be More Chill
Genre: Angst, Blood, Burns, CALM DOWNNNNNNN, Cutting, Getting high, Hallucinations, M/M, MICHAEL AND JEREMY ARE SAD, MICHAEL BE MORE OKAY, Making Out, Memories, Neck Kissing, Nightmares, Self Harm, Shotgunning, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, TW: cutting actually takes place and suicide stuff. Tread carefully, Weed, boyf riends - Freeform, daydream, self hatred, warning: major angst ahead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-03-09
Packaged: 2019-03-29 03:31:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13918479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlayerOneMell/pseuds/PlayerOneMell
Summary: Michael does so reluctantly. He sees the worry- no…the pity- in Jeremy’s eyes. Michael whimpers through his sobs. He wants to get up, but can feel his heart vibrating. Michael doesn’t deserve Jeremy…Instead, Michael let’s his thoughts consume him, pour over him like a tidal wave.ORJeremy comes to a planned hangout a bit late and Michael downpours his issues onto the poor kid. He makes some mistakes.





	When The Lights Go Down

Michael sat alone in his basement with his legs sprawled across two bean bags. Michael was alone, but at least he has his headphones. He knows Jeremy would be arriving soon…but he still hasn’t. This did happen every once in awhile after the SQUIP incident.

Michael plays Mario Kart by himself for a few more hours and then takes a glance at the clock. It was after two in the morning and Jeremy is still no where to be seen. Michael lays back on his bean bag and he watches the wall decay behind him. Darkness grows around the edges of his vision.

“What the fuck?” Michael mutters to himself.

Michael sees his basement transform into the basement in the Heere’s house to the flashback of a the last year. Jeremy complained he would be a loser to the end of the world, or even after that. It’s when Jeremy truly considered trying to get a SQUIP, even if Rich was scamming him.

Michael watches him dance around Jeremy, trying to explain that he's not a loser. Jeremy was special, and their time would come soon. Michael wonders, could he have done more? Was this entire SQUIP thing his fault after all?

“Will you be too cool for m-” the past Michael shutters “video games?”

The past Jeremy continues to reassure the past Michael as the memory changes. Michael rubs his eyes wondering if what he's seeing is real. How could this be happening? Why is it happening? Michael starts racing through the house watching as sweet memories turn into nightmares.

Michael sees the boys run in through the door with their new Apocalypse Of The Damned game excited to play it for the first time. Michael sees the night Jeremy was on his floor crying tears that layered on the ground like circuits. Michael sees the day he came out to Jeremy about being gay. Jeremy held him so closely, and Michael was thrilled that Jeremy accepted from him.

The walls crumble into a darker world as the memories fade away. The walls has patterns of circuits on them as he races through his distorted house.

“EVERYTHING ABOUT ME IS JUST TERRIBLE” A voice echoes sounding a lot like Jeremy's. “EVERYTHING ABOUT ME MAKES ME WANNA DIE”

Michael feels a shock move through his spine causing him to be paralyzed. He falls to the ground with his limbs locked together. Michael whimpers unable to move his lips.

“Get out of my way loser.” He hears a voice echo in his head.

Michael feels tears slip down his face. It’s painful as he hears the phrases repeat. He wants to run as far away as he possibly can. Michael somehow manages to stand up through all the tremors that are ravaging through his entire body.

“Why…why?” Michael whispers to himself trying to wipe away his tears.

A ring of a phone is heard. Not just any phone. Michael’s phone. Michael frantically pats his pockets. His phone isn’t there. It’s on his bean bag outside of the hell he’s living in. The phone rings again.

“You are nothing to me.” Jeremy’s voice echoes.

Michael notices circuits start cutting into his arms. It hurts and stings and he starts crying. Michael let’s out sobs, and feels hands clamp over his shoulders. Michael closes his eyes and opens his eyes to see a distressed Jeremy. He pulls Jeremy into a hug letting his tears fall.

“Michael, are you okay?” Jeremy whispers. “I’m sorry I was late. I just-”  
“What time is it? How long have I been out?” Michael questions between cries.

Jeremy tilts Michael’s head to see the clock. It was after four in the morning. He was stuck in his hell for two hours.

“What happened player one?” Jeremy asks sitting on Michael’s lap.  
“I just..” Michael is reluctant to tell the truth. “Well, Jer…I just…I slipped into some kind of daydream. It was like fuckin hell. I had circuits cutting into my arms and-”  
“You had a SQUIP nightmare?”  
“Of all those terrible things you said.”

Michael looks at his beautiful Jeremy. He holds Jeremy close to him. Michael is in complete and utter distress. He never wants Jeremy to feel the way he did when he had a SQUIP.

“Michael…I called you, I texted you…does this happen often?” Jeremy asks.  
“Anytime you’re late or…or I’m alone or…”  
“Oh Michael, I’m so sorry.” Jeremy says almost panicking along with him.

Jeremy cradles Michael in his arms looking at the beautiful caramel skin. Jeremy brushes his hands through Michael’s hair trying to get him to calm down. Michael looks into Jeremy’s eyes and sees him smile. Jeremy plants a kiss on Michael’s forehead.

“I’m sorry love, I know you don’t like parties. I did try to get here as quick as I could.” Jeremy says. “I love you Michael, and I want to help you.” Jeremy leans to grab something from his backpack.  
“Don’t go.” Michael says stopping Jeremy.  
“I’m not going anywhere player one.”  
“No…just please hold me.” Michael begs.

Jeremy listens and keeps his arms on Michael. Michael starts taking deeper breaths, but feels the pressure from his lungs wanting to let the air out too early. Michael has been to this nightmare hell too many times, and without Jeremy it’s so much worse.

“What can I do to help?” Jeremy says readily.  
“Could we get high? Buzzed at least?” Michael pleads sitting a little further up. “I know you aren’t the best at taking hits, maybe we could shotgun?” Michael begs leaning into Jeremy.  
“Shot gunning sounds good, but you don’t get to kiss me until you get the weed.” Jeremy says teasing his boyfriend.

Michael rolls his eyes feeling a little bit better. Michael grabs a joint for the two boys to share as they settle into their bean bags.

“Let me just get going.” Michael says taking a hit. Jeremy smiles watching the smoke escape from Michael’s beautiful lips.

Michael notices the excitement in Jeremy. Why is he so freakin cute when he’s excited? Michael takes one more puff before sitting on the basement floor. He pats the ground indicating this is where Jeremy should sit.

“Come here, big boy.” Michael says sitting on his feet. “Just not too close. You know how we do this.” Michael smiles.

Jeremy smiles leaving enough room in between the two of them. Michael smiles looking at his beautiful pale boy. Michael inhales the smoke and Jeremy gets on his hands and knees and leans over to Michael inhaling the exhaled smoke. Jeremy feels teased when Michael pulls away.

“Mister, I thought you wanted to kiss me.” Jeremy says, almost seductively.  
“This first.” Michael says taking another hit and letting Jeremy breathe in what he’s exhaled.

They repeat this a few more times, but by the fifth time Jeremy gives into his weak lips. Jeremy smashes his lips into Michael’s allowing the two boys to chase each other’s breath. They straighten their knees letting their chest breathe against one another. Jeremy holds Michael’s face chasing his lips and sucking on Michael’s bottom lip.

_Loser_

It echoes in Michael’s mind. Michael pulls back, still in distress. It takes a lot for Michael to get high. He lets out more tears and Jeremy lies beside him.

“Talk to me, please.” Jeremy begs.  
“You called me a loser. You wanted to die. I wanna die.” Michael let’s out but immediately covers his mouth.

Jeremy let’s his jaw drop. Michael just confessed to being suicidal. His Michael… _His Michael_? Could this really be Michael Mell lying next to him? It couldn’t be, Michael is so happy.

Michael covers his mouth. He didn’t just confess that Jeremy. Telling Jeremy about his nightmares is far enough, that was intense. He feels a sob escape him, and his heart aches. He doesn’t want Jeremy to know that. Jeremy shouldn’t have to deal with his problems.

“Michael…you are my everything. You’re anything but a loser.” Jeremy says sitting up without touching Michael at all. Jeremy feels his chest tighten. How could his Michael not be okay?

“I didn’t mean that.” Michael says blankly staring at the ceiling. “I didn’t mean that.” He repeats sitting up next to Jeremy with wide eyes. “Jeremy, I didn’t mean that.”

“You did.”

Those words hit Michael harder than a brick wall. Jeremy's right. If Michael could end his life right then and there…he would. Michael sobs again. It rips through Michael’s throat. Jeremy wants to touch Michael, but is so afraid to make contact with him.

Michael struggles to find words and keeps sobbing like a fucking baby. Jeremy slides closer to Michael, but Michael shivers away feeling as if he doesn’t deserve Jeremy.  
“Michael Mell, look at me.” Jeremy says sweetly.

Michael does so reluctantly. He sees the worry- no…the pity- in Jeremy’s eyes. Michael whimpers through his sobs. He wants to get up, but can feel his heart vibrating. Michael doesn’t deserve Jeremy…Instead, Michael let’s his thoughts consume him, pour over him like a tidal wave.

“I don’t fucking deserve you!” He wails through his tears. “You are a fuckin prince Jeremiah! I’m dirt, I’m mud, I’m a _loser_.” Michael says it likes the way Jeremy said it to him that night.

Jeremy’s mind is racing. His Michael is in panic. Complete panic. Jeremy doesn’t know what to do. Jeremy wants to help. Jeremy chokes back his tears.

“I can take away my fucking pain so quickly. Anything I can do. Watch blood seep through everything I own. Just die. No one would notice. I’m a piece of shit! I don’t deserve love…I don’t deserve to live.” Michael says seriously.

The basement grows silent…deadly silent. It stung Jeremy’s skin. It hasn’t been silent between the two of them like this since Jake’s Halloween party. Michael gets up and starts sprinting towards his room. Jeremy follows him getting in before the door close. Michael is clearly looking for something. Jeremy wraps his arms around Michael causing him to stop moving.

“Michael, you’re being insane. Listen to me, you are everything, and deserve the world. You hear me?” Jeremy feels Michael squirm against the embrace.

Michael felt his horrific thoughts raise faster in his mind. This is a heinous night. Michael keeps squirming breaking free from Jeremy’s hold. Michael continues to search for a weapon to end it all. Michael finds a knife. Jeremy gasps.

“Michael baby, please don’t.” Jeremy starts balling at the sight of the shiny metal.

Michael smiles at the terrifying thoughts. He’s learned to let them comfort him. He didn’t even care how distressed Jeremy was..that’s how bad he is. Michael brings the knife close to him.

“IF YOU DO IT SO WILL I!” Jeremy shouts making Michael freeze.

Michael’s tears feel cold against his hot face. He drops the knife listening to Jeremy sob. Michael doesn’t feel like he deserves Jeremy…but Jeremy needed him.

“I am nothing without you Michael Mell. Nothing! You are everything I am and everything I ever will be. You deserve the entire fucking universe!” Jeremy shouts almost angrily at Michael.

The boys keep their distance. They keep their stares on each other. The tears are silent. Jeremy knows he can do this. He takes a step towards Michael, Michael winces.

“Show me your pain…so I can fix it.” Jeremy says calmly.  
“I can’t.” Michael shakes.  
“Then I’ll go first.” Jeremy says as calmly as his voice can manage.

Jeremy sighs. He takes his cardigan off. He holds out his arms showing the burns from the shocks of the SQUIP. The Jeremy takes his shirt off and shows Michael his back. Jagged and scarred.

“They burn at a touch.” Jeremy admits. “I’ve thought about cutting into them.” Jeremy says calmly. “I’m sorry I did. I know I’d hurt you if I did anything.” Jeremy say putting at least his t-shirt back on, embarrassed of his circuits.

Michael is shocked. He goes to touch Jeremy, but realizes what he must do. “Those nightmares…the world goes dark and I have to experience everything I did when I was alone with that fucking floppy disk in your head! I can hear you call for help, but I can’t help you.” Michael sighs. “But you wanna see my pain? Fine.” Michael says picking up the knife.

“Michael, no!” Jeremy wails.

It’s too late. A of red grows against Michael’s once perfect caramel skin. Jeremy is shocked but runs to Michael who falls over. Jeremy quickly disposes of the knife and bandages Michael’s cut.

“Michael, player one, buddy, my love, my everything.. ** _Never_** do that again.” Jeremy says holding Michael tightly. “That’s not what it is anymore. It’s just not.” Jeremy helps Michael stand and brings him into his bed.

It’s well past five am. Jeremy spoons Michael. Jeremy is smaller than Michael, but gives being the big spoon a valiant effort. Michael cries grow silent eventually.

“I'm sorry..I got carried away.”  
“That’s okay, just never let that happen again, okay?” Jeremy says quietly as Michael turns towards him.  
“Do you…do you…can you still love me?” Michael asks looking into Jeremy’s eyes.  
“Oh Michael.” Jeremy takes Michael’s hands. “I can never stop loving you.”

Michael relaxes. Jeremy is there for him, no matter what. Michael brings Jeremy close to his chest.

“I love you so much Jeremy…I’m sorry you have burns.”  
“I’m sorry about your nightmares..I’ll be on time more often.” Jeremy promises staying as close to Michael as he can.

Michael kisses Jeremy on the lips tightly not wanting to release the perfect moment. Every few seconds their lips readjust making the moment somehow even more perfect. Michael knows making out doesn’t fix problems, but he just needed this. Michael curves his mouth around Jeremy’s jaw making Jeremy giggle. Michael works his way around Jeremy’s neck leaving bruises from his loving kisses. Eventually Michael holds out Jeremy’s arms and kisses the circuits.

“I love you.” Michael says.

There’s something about Michael caring about the most damaged part of Jeremy that it makes his heart fill with joy. Michael loves every part of Jeremy, even the most vulnerable part of him. Before Jeremy can speak Michael meets his lips again. The crying from both of them as stopped now.

“You’re my prince.” Jeremy says between kisses. “And I won’t let anything storm your castle.” He adds.

Michale continues to romantically kiss his boyfriend. It felt so good. Almost too good. Jeremy starts kissing Michael under the jaw.

“Jer, you don’t have to do that.”  
“I want to.” Jeremy says giving Michael bruises similar to his.

Jeremy eventually comes back to face Michael. They snuggle their bodies together. They kiss once more and then stare at the ceiling.

“What do you say we stay here all weekend?” Jeremy asks peacefully. “Just you and I.” Jeremy kisses Michael’s cheeks.  
“And you’ll stay?”  
“I’ll heal you.”

Michael smiles. They both do. They close their eyes allowing themselves some sleep. They stay true to their promises. Michael never cuts again, Jeremy doesn’t either. They stay alive for each other, and Jeremy was never late again.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm an angsty riend. My writing partner is a fluff boyf. My friend bananneliese (who is now PlayerTwoHeere) have co-written a very angsty piece. It's called "In His Eyes" and I highly recommend.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed this!


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